"I can do hard things"

I cannot believe how many difficult things this mantra has gotten me through. 

This phrase started to jump around in my head sometime around when I was 16 or 17 years old. I was going through a very difficult time in my life and brought several challenges unto myself. I really didn't know any better. I had lost direction and didn't have many on my side. Not that anyone was against me, I just blended into the scenery. I can't say I was ever depressed because I wasn't. I was just unsure of how to exist. So many times I was faced with difficult choices. There was one or two people I could have confided my problems to but I've always wanted to be the type of girl who dealt with her problems on her own; independently. One day I heard/saw/read (I can't remember) "I can do hard things". It resonated with me so strongly. I can remember several instances of me just bawling my eyes out, one thing always came to mind. "I can do hard things". I would whisper it to myself until I could physically get up and dry my tears and continue on with whatever needed to be done. This is something that has been useful to me in adulthood as well. Now days I find myself saying it when I'm frustrated or feel like I have what seems like an unobtainable goal or task at hand. During the birth of my second child, I learned just how moving positive affirmations can be. I repeated many variations of "This is great". Over and over again. I had the hospital staff say it and I had Cameron say it. It helped me to achieve my medication free birth I had wanted so much. 

Having a positive attitude can change your life. 

When I pray, I ask God to lessen my burden of emotions. I often pray for this for other people as well. When I see Cameron sad or disappointed, I ask God to help him get through the sadness or the disappointment. When I feel angry I ask God to show me a constructive way to channel my anger. When I'm stressed I ask for him to lesson my stress. Rarely do I pray for specific things to happen anymore. I thank him for my family. I ask for his help in keeping my family and myself safe. I count my blessings (because I have many, even if my life isn't exactly how I'd imagined it), I pray for strength to deal with situations myself. I tell myself, "I can do hard things." I feel like that has helped me give myself to God more than I was before. 

Kaizie Sage - 3 years 3 months

My beautiful girl!! She is getting smarter everyday. She is developing into such a wonderful little person, I'm amazed daily. She can also be very sassy or dramatic. Sometimes she won't listen and I yell at her. I hope her first memory isn't of me yelling... I need to work on that. 

Today we went over to her friend Harley's house and they played dress up almost the entire time. I love how much of a girly girl Kaizie is. She looked so beautiful in the dress up dresses and high heels. She chose a princess outfit from a Disney movie, a girl named Aurora? I have watched very few of the Disney movies so I don't know which movie that is from. It was so fun to see her interact with another girl her age. I feel like she should get out more. 

Lately Kaizie has been a really great helper. She is becoming more responsible and independent everyday. She helps me clean up the house and is always willing to help with her sister. We have started walking quite a bit more and she has been holding Bentley's leash every single night without any help. She just looks so grown up to be walking the dog all by herself. Of course I'm right next to her pushing Adalind in the stroller, but it just seems like she has advanced so much lately. I'm so proud of her, it's crazy. She also likes to help me with dinner, she can get her own refill of water in her sippy cup, she likes to feed and water the dog, and sometime she will go get him when he's done going potty. We are working on getting her potty trained at naptime. She goes potty in the potty during the day but she still wears a pull-up as well at night. Not sure how we are going to move past that one. 

She is also recently stopped drinking milk in the last month or so. I don't know why but she has decided that she only likes on her cereal now or if it is chocolate milk. I find this funny, because I am the same exact way. It's so good to see similarities of yourself in your daughters. Today I was thinking about how sad I will be when this time passes because she's just growing up so fast. In less than a year she will be four years old and, I feel like the last three years have just flown by. I wish I had more time to go do things with her one-on-one. I have realize that a lot lately. I plan on getting a babysitter and taking her to do some things just her and I. I think that she really needs One on one time with her parents and I miss being able to chat with her or just hang out with her and give her my undivided attention without having to mind the baby too. 

 Kaizie is incredibly empathetic and she makes everyone she meets smile. She is my whole heart, and I love her so much. 

Adalind - 15 months

I feel like I write about this baby a lot. She's just changing so much and so fast that I can't help but be a little crazy about it. So lately she has been over lovable and it's just I love it. Unfortunately Cam is been out of town working California so he hasn't gotten a chance to really experience it. I miss him a lot. I think the kids do too. Adalind has started to like love love love nursing. I don't know why. But she's crazy about it now and sometimes it drives me a little bit crazy! Every time I sit down to go Pee and she's upstairs with me, she lifts her arms up and makes me pick her up and she wants me to nurse her while I'm going Pee. For some reason she thinks it's the perfect time to get in a little snack ha ha. She also is very in love with her blanket, Her B, which she calls BobBEE and her seahorse. She says a lot of words and has started saying thank you. She goes crazy when we FaceTime her dad. She just wants to hug and kiss the screen the WHOLE time. :) adorable. Her favorite food this month is pasta salad, corn on the cob, and watermelon. A summer baby for sure. My daughter for sure :) <3

Kaizies Interview Questions: 3 Years Old

Kaizie always gets really funny when I video her. She also talks funny and doesn't really like to answer questions, she'll give weird answers that don't really make any sense! She is such a great talker normally so I'm not sure why. Regardless, she is pretty cute! Except at the very end of the video... Ha ha. 

Interview Questions about Adalind: 13 months

What words do I say? Baba, mama, dada, caca, bentEEE, bye bye, hi, baby

Can I sign any words? Please

What is my favorite word? Hi and dada

What is cute about my relationship with my dad? Adalind always gets so excited to see him after work

What is cute with my relationship with my mom? Adalind likes to give me really long hugs, and she screams when I hug anyone else, especially Cameron. She gets jealous. She will also scream and freak out if she thinks someone is hurting me and she will run over and try to protect me. 

How do I act with siblings? She loves Kaizie, and Kaizies bed. She gets mad when Kaizie takes away her blanky or when Kaizie keeps her from doing things, takes stuff away, etc. 

What is my favorite food? Macaroni and cheese! And sweets. 

How many oz do I drink? 3-4oz at a time

Am I still breastfed and/or on a bottle? Breastfed, bottle, and sippy

What is my favorite thing to do? Play outside, explore new places, and be in the water. 

What is my favorite show on TV? Daniel Tiger or Baby Einestien. But she doesn't love TV. 

What is my favorite music? Anything she can dance to, and loves to be sang to.

What size diapers do I wear? 3

What size clothes do I wear? 12-18 months 

How do I act in my carseat? Good most of the time, still rear facing 

What time do I go to bed? Around 7:00pm

What does mama love most about me? How smart she is. 

What does dad love most about me? Probably the same thing. 

What drives mom/dad crazy about me? How dramatic she is!!! Oh boy. 

What am I afraid of? The vacuum cleaner and she hates strangers and most people. Prefers men to women. 

Any cool tricks? She walks, talks, crawls, and can climb on the couch, Kaizies bed, and the coffee table. She can also get off of them without falling most of the time. She will play peek a boo, clap hands, do high fives, and bites when you don't pay enough attention to her. 

Saturday Mornings 

 

 Here she is getting into the pots and pans while I try to put the dishes away.  

Adalinds Birthday

     Happy Birthday baby girl!!!! I wish I had more pictures of today. I wish I could have a photographer follow me around and capture all the beautiful moments of my life. I wanna hold on to the good times and never forget them... 

     We had a blast today. I took the girls put to breakfast today at a place called Sills Cafe (in Layton). The service was slow and my girls had a hard time waiting but we still had a good time. It was the first time I have taken them to a sit down restaurant by myself. I've always had a friend or Cameron with me. 

     Cameron has been working out of town in Price this week and came home from work early to celebrate. I'm amazed that we managed to fit so many fun things into such a short time. He got home around 2:30pm and we left for the aquatic center at 3:30. Both Adalind and Kaizie had a great time. Adalind is just a little fish in the water. She loves it. Kaizie was a little apprehensive but quickly got over her fear and I tried to teach her a few things about swimming. Eventually Adalind got really cold and started turning bluish and getting upset so we left a little earlier than we had hoped. It was a great day!! 

Just Another Day

     So I have this fear of becoming an old woman - and not really remembering how I spent my years. I have a really bad memory. I forget and lose things on a daily basis. I have to write down appointments or I forget them. It takes me several trips to remember how to drive to the same location, etc. Anyways. 

     Today I took Kaizie and Adalind to the park for the playgroup we go to every Monday. It's one of my favorite things about living in Layton. We have been blessed to have wonderful neighbors and a strong community. I always enjoy talking to the other women and Kaizie gets some exercise and has a blast playing with the other kids. Today she was kind of sassy, but it was a beautiful day and the weather was amazing. Adalind sat content on my lap for awhile and crawled around in the grass for a few minutes. The sunshine felt great. I wish we had gotten more moisture this winter but I really am enjoying spring. Around 12:30pm I took the kids home and we made chicken nuggets and ants on a log for lunch. The ants on a log were great but the chicken nuggets - they were gross haha. I'm not a fan and it just reminded me why I don't buy them often. For once the kids actually napped at the same time and I tinkered around the house and spoke on the phone with a friend I had been playing phone tag with. After an hour Adalind woke up and we played a bit and I took care of some things online. Kaizie awoke and hollered down the stairs. I instructed her to go potty and come downstairs. Well... Kaizie had an accident while napping. She was wearing pull-ups. I don't know why but she for some reason didn't tell me she needed help. Poop smeared all over the toilet!!! It was bad. Haha. I was a little mad but quickly got over it... Because she is just a kid. She really is smart for her age. 

     Cameron got off work early and we did some chores together and talked. He had a rough day today... I was glad to listen and I'm thankful I have a family to take care of. I ordered take-out from noodles&company and put Adalind to bed. I went and got it while Kaizie played with the other kids outside. After we ate and put Kaizie to bed we talked a bit more and watched Walking Dead. I really like that show. Just another ordinary day. 

     I love my family 

❤️

Adalinds Birth Story

I'm really bad about this blogging business, can you tell? Anyways, Adalinds birth was pretty wild and crazy.. Somewhat traumatic. It has taken me a really long time to process everything. I have a tendency to get high blood pressure towards the end of my pregnancies - so we were watching that really close. When I hit 39 weeks, my midwife decided to strip my membranes to get things going a little. I was only at 1cm. This was on a Friday. She strips them and it was a little uncomfortable but not bad. I go home and try to get everything in order but nothing really happens. The weekend passes and Monday I go in for another appointment and to have my membranes stripped again. The midwife tells me I am at a 3! Woohoo. I was surprised since I only felt my usual Braxton hicks. I leave the appointment and try to clean my house and get everything in order - again. Haha. But I didn't really feel any different - again. So I didn't think anything would happen for another week or two. I was mentally prepared to go to 42 weeks.
     We go to bed and I actually sleep really good. The next morning I wake up bright and early at 6:00 am with a contraction. I thought, I might be in labor. I woke Cam up and let him know that I had just had a contraction but it wasn't a big one and to go back to sleep. He had stayed home that day because he was working at Clean Harbors... Which is hours away and doesn't get good cell reception. I was also losing my mucous plug. I texted my friend Carolyn who was planning on watching Kaizie and let her know what was going on. We talked about how long she would keep her, and how much I didn't want to be in the hospital. I was planning on leaving a few hours after the birth.
     I was keeping track of contractions on an app on my phone and they were consistently 9-11 minutes apart. I stayed in bed and tried to relax. Cam got up with Kaizie and I drank some dragon fruit vitamin water to stay hydrated and ate some left over little ceasars pizza. I wasn't really hungry but knew I would want to have some energy later. I fell back asleep until around 12 and I got up and showered. The shower felt wonderful but I knew I had to get out. I got dressed and tried to but some makeup on and curl my hair. By this time I was leaning on Cameron during contractions or over the counter and breathing through them. I still wasn't sure it was time. Finally Cam told me I needed to go because things were getting serious. I didn't want to. I walked out to our truck but he had to lift me in because a contraction hit the moment I tried to climb in. I called Carolyn around 2 and told her we were going to L&D so I could get checked. I asked her, "Do you think I am in labor?" She laughed like I was crazy and said, "Yes. I will see you at the hospital." Once we got on the freeway, the car ride was awful. We are about 30 minutes away from the hospital I had chosen to deliver at (The U). I think I might have been transitioning in the car. Now I was softly groaning through contractions and I could NOT sit on my butt. The pressure was unreal.
     We finally got to the hospital and met Carolyn. I remember this sweet old man told me we had a beautiful family and asked me if we needed any help.... No. Haha. I just said thank you and after walking to the entrance I asked for a wheel chair.
 She took Kaizie and her and Cam took me to L&D. Cam was yelling at the nurse to get me a room NOW but she insisted I go to triage which I was fine with. I had no idea why he was so huffy haha. I kissed my beautiful little girl goodbye. I get to triage and strip my jeans off. Cameron went to park the truck because he had left it up front (only to discover valet had parked it for him, whoops). I asked the nurse to help me on to the bed because another contraction hit. She helped me on and checked me, that's when shit got real. Your at a 9.5 with only a small cervical lip. My immediate response was, YEAH RIGHT. She laughed and said no, really, you are. The slammed the bed rails up covered me with a sheet and started running. I called Cameron and I said, get back here now. I'm at a 9. Get here now. Hurry up. They get me into a room and the room fills with people slamming things getting the delivery kit set up a nurse to put in a iv, everything. I didn't have a birth plan but had it written in my chart that I wanted to go natural. Nobody offered me pain meds. I asked if it was too late for IV pain meds and they said yes. So I labored in the bathroom and on the floor of the room and finally the bed on my hands and knees. My baby was posterior so I was trying to get her to turn. They midwife Lisa and her student midwife Heather kept asking me to push so I did. I worked through the contractions by chanting, Sah sah sah, over and over again, and swearing a lot. No yelling. At one point I went to bite down during a contraction, on Cameron's arm! He said please don't bite me, so I bit the pillow instead and ripped it open... No joke. The nurses probably thought I was crazy. Both the midwives were being so helpful and helping me cope and everyone was saying positive affirmations. Cameron was an amazing support. Finally on one push, my water broke. I just closed my eyes and said, oh shit. Because I knew things were about to get intense. But actually it wasn't that much worse. The midwives convinved me to turn on my side so I could push her out. Moving hurt so bad and I hated it when the nurse touched me. One of them was taking my remaining clothing off and tried to take my bra off so I could do skin to skin with baby. I told her I wanted to keep it on but she kept trying to take it off... Finally I yelled at her to stop and I wanted my bra on. Adalind was finally almost here, her head emerged and she was very blue. I was irritated at this point that they were rushing me to push her out because nobody told me what was going on. Finally Cameron turned to me and said, you have to push her out. Right now babe. Right now. You can do it. I knew I had to listen to him... And pushed with everything I had. Her cord was wrapped around her neck 4 times. The student midwife cut her cord and ripped her out, literally. At 4:33pm she was born. They placed her on my chest and I think I said, hi baby!! But I honestly don't remember. I started hemorrhaging really bad. They took my baby and told me this is going to hurt, the student midwife put her hand inside me and manually scraped my uterus looking for anything that was left behind. I was screaming. Screaming. Screaming. It was so painful. Much worse than birth. I kept bleeding and I was so in and out. They were violently massaging my uterus. They tried to place a second iv but nobody could get one. An anesthesiologist ran into the room and finally was able to place a 2nd IV. They were trying to transport me upstairs to preform a hysterectomy - nothing was working.  Finally after pitocin, methergen, and two other medications, the bleeding slowed. Total I had lost over 2 liters of blood. They took away my baby and put her in the nursery because she had a low temp, but otherwise was fine. I was so relieved to hear she was ok.
I was separated from her and Cameron for 3 hours. A nurse brought me a pump and I pumped some colostrum, but she had to do everything. I could not move. I was in shock and shaking and so weak from the blood loss. I kept asking for my baby but the wretched nurse told me I was too weak to see her. Finally Cameron came back and he brought my sweet beautiful baby with him in one of those tiny bassinets. I truly got to meet my baby for the first time and I cried and cried and cried. I was so happy. And I cried some more because I couldn't hold her without help. My arms couldn't hold the 7lbs 14 oz of her. Cameron helped me, and finally I nursed her. Around midnight they moved me to Post partum and I had a normal recovery from there. They wanted to keep me for 5 days to monitor my hematocrit because of my hemorrhage but I said no. We left AMA The next evening.

Giving birth all natural to my beautiful little baby was amazing. I wish things had went a little smoother after she was born, but I'm still the luckiest mama ever and so happy, because I have this -